It seems these days I'm lost in a never ending rollercoaster ride. My emotions are up and down and all around - to the point that I'm now just numb, the emotions are just too exhausting to continue to follow so I just have to let go and allow them to wash over me, without thinking too much about where they're coming from and what to do with them.
So much of me is focused on getting over to the US. For such a long time I dreamt and wished and yearned to be with The Boy in a normal way, to explore the relationship that gives me so much joy. The idea of living together, of going to work and coming home to cook dinner together has been all consuming for such a long time now. It's been 8 months since we met and 4 since we decided to really make a go of it, and suddenly (or so it seems) it's upon me. I'm about to move to the US, to live with him and make a life together, with the big possibility that it's forever! It's like I have to pinch myself to make sure it's really happening.
Finally the missing and hurting are going to be over, I will be in his arms where everything is good and right. I will be starting a new adventure - the thought of which has been almost as attractive as being with him, and the desire to lose myself in another culture like I did when I moved to the UK has this incredible pull over me. I learnt so much of myself during that time and I want to learn more this time. Today I was reminded of the joy that comes from exploring new places and new things and it has rocked my world how truly lucky I am to have the opportunity to do so again, with an amazing support network no less!
I'm excited! I'm 'up' and flying through the air, my hands raised above my head rushing towards a future I've dreamt of, screaming into the wind and opening myself to the endless possibilities that my life has wide open in front of it.
Yet, faced with the actual moment that it's going to be 'real' I find that it still feels like a dream. Even the house he's found for us, I have photos but he's done a bunch of work on it and now filled it with furniture that he and The Family has picked, none of it seems like it's mine and I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and about to jump. That same wind in my hair that I've found so exhilarating suddenly turns chilly and I drop my arms and wrap them around me for warmth, looking back from the cliff to what's behind me. Part of me tempted to walk back from the edge, from the fear and take the safe option. I'm 'down' and what was a bright and beautiful morning sky of opportunity covers with a light wisping of clouds, obscuring the sun so it only peeps through at random moments. The joy of standing on that cliff becomes hard, cold fear.
What if I hate it? What if I stuff it up (like I do every other relationship)? What if he doesn't really love me? And scaries of all questions, what if I love it? What if it works? What if he does and will forever? Both options have upsides and downsides that are equally as debilitating and incredible!
If it doesn't work, well then I have the 'I told you so' looks, the significant lack of money (this romance has been a costly adventure), the heartache, the loss of time (again) and facing the prospect of coming home with my tail between my legs. Taking back all those gushing statements of 'forever' and 'love'. The embarasment.
If it does? Then I have a lifetime of missing and heartache ahead of me. Constantly chosing between the country and family I love and the man and life I love. Will it break me? Will it break us? Only time will tell.
These thoughts bring me back to the possibility that I have met the man of my dreams, the one who will be beside me and look after me, who'll love me without censure, completely and surely. The man who I will love, who I'll marry, have children with, grow old with. And suddenly... I'm 'up'! Because he is amazing, he is incredible and makes me so happy sometimes it feels like my skin with bust open and sunlight will stream out for all to see.
And right now all I can do is smile, hold on with all my might to the bar in my lap and wait... because regardless of the outcome it's going to be one hell of a ride!
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Every major life decision comes with these what ifs. There is no way to avoid them, especially if you come to as big of a fork in life as this one. But the only way you'll ever know is to go through with it. We never know anything for sure, but think how much we would miss if we were always safe.
ReplyDeleteAnd if it's any consolation, I fucking hate Tennessee, yet I manage to still be completely happy and in love with Mike. I'm just saying.