Who, What, Where, How?

There are so many new things in my life currently and I will write about that a lot in this blog - afterall that's why I started to write these things down, because things are so new and I want to remember them when they aren't so new. I would like to take this opportunity to talk about the new parts of 'me' that I'm working and dealing with at the moment.

In the past I have been through many stages (as we all have). Growing up I was a real tomboy, never wearing skirts or dresses, into everything the boys were into and generally scorning anything I considered girly. I mean my parents even gave me toy guns and Ken doll instead of Barbie!

As a teenager I was into the 'grunge' scene and lived the girly rock groupie lifestyle. It was all about being sexy and soft yet confident and independant.

Finishing school I became involved in the theatre and became interested in studying and the classics and being a 'good girl' and doing the 'right thing'. People who knew me at that time think I am straighlaced and very proper.

After breaking up with my first boyfriend and finding myself in a big city I was lost and scared and found through friends this desire to experience more, experiment more with fashion and music and art.

Living in the UK I became very confident in my life choices, my image, my direction in life and who I was. Annonimity gave me the opportunity to 'be myself' for the first time and I reveled in it!

Returning to Australia and my relationship breaking up I turned wild. The storm of emotions inside me drove me to turn the world upside down. I pushed every boundry, threw off the idea of responsibility and respectability to live a life with no consequences. Not surprising it wasn't very fulfilling, I hurt people I cared about and myself. I don't regret that time as I needed to go through that to come out the other side and I think I learnt more about myself than I did at any other time if my life. Yet that part of my life is over.

Now I have a new life!

I'm learning new things, how to be a wife, to be part of a new culture, being part of a new family and to go back to the best things of all those stages of my life previously.

My wonderful husband is teaching me things I have forgotten. Learning to be more kind, to speak to him and others with more respect. To remember to think about how what I say effects other people. Giving something back to the community. Those seemingly normal things that I seem to have shifted my focus away from.

I am working on being less self-centered, selfish and self-relient.

And I'm loving it! I'm more sensitive and softer and I feel less angry or frustrated than I used to be. I'm calmer and feel less pressure on myself.

I am still dealing with finding my place in my new world. Dealing with such open religion and emotions. Knowing there are parts of myself I need to hide, or prehaps not be so open about. It's hard to swallow my words, to think about what I'm saying almost constantly - like trying not to curse or say Oh My God!. Sometimes it's frustrating not to just be me, and yet i love the me that I'm becoming so much more than parts of the me I was before. It feels like coming home and back to myself. I'm more proud of the me I'm becoming, again. The values I am living and wrapping myself in responsibility and respectability again. It's comforting.

Perhaps I am truly becoming 'me', not a new 'me' at all. The 'me' I've always wanted to be.


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